11/15/02
Cock-A-Doodle Dorks
Performance artists and
computer gamers staged a cockfight night in a basement in Los Angeles’
Chinatown in
October, attracting
about 200 people to go down-culture, drink beer, and wager on “roosters”
flapping and pecking and
clawing at each other,
except that the cocks were humans dressed in garish rooster outfits. Tech
people had rigged the
outfits with sensors
to register the effectiveness of the fighters on a large screen that exhibited
virtual blood.
— Houston Chronicle,
10-17-02
Seven Signs
Your Cock Is Really A Human
7. Yells “Holy mother
of fuck!” everytime he gets pecked.
6. Doesn't taste like
chicken.
5. Replies to booing
by yelling “Hey — that’s how Jagger struts!”
4. Demands 10-minute
union break every hour.
3. Keeps making stupid
“Ain’t I the biggest cock you’ve ever seen?” joke.
2. Real roosters don't
hit on cockfight cheerleaders.
And the No. 1 Sign Your
Cock Is Really A Human:
1. Four words: “Cock-A-Doodle
... LINE!”
11/05/02
Hail to the reptilian
alien overlord
Linda Henning, 48, went
on trial for murder in Albuquerque in September, charged as being the dupe
and accomplice of cancer-curing, 2,000-year-old guru Diazien Hossencofft
in the murder of his wife, the late Girly Chew Hossencofft. Henning was
described by longtime friends as exceptionally level-headed, right up until
the day she met the charismatic Hossencofft, after which she became "crazy
as a loon," according to one, in that she believed that reptilian aliens
were ready to take over the world, using cryogenic pods. (She wrote that
reptilian George W. Bush maintains his human visage through "the use of
magnetic fields to create holograms.") Hossencofft has since come clean
about his frauds, but Henning apparently continues to believe.
— Albuquerque Journal,
9-23-02
Seven Signs
George W. Bush is a Reptilian Alien
7. Sound bite: “I will
whip Saddam Hussein with my powerful, massive tail.”
6. Keeps referring
to Barbara as “the mothership.”
5. Replaces Ashcroft
with Hossencofft.
4. Watching football
game, chokes on fly.
3. Keeps saying “err,”
commands Powell and Cheney to say “Bud” and “wise.”
2. Can't pronounce
“nuclear.”
And the No. 1 Sign George
W. Bush is a Reptilian Alien:
1. Umm, have you looked
at those eyes?
EVEN OLDER
I said “Goodday,” mate,
not “Good EYE.”
In September, Australia’s
Daily Telegraph reported that the Federal Attorney General’s office had
ruled that eyesight and medical tests required of flight crews and air
traffic controllers could no longer be given because they violate the country’s
anti-discrimination laws. The Civil Aviation Safety Agency, concerned about
physically unqualified pilots, announced immediately that it would appeal
the ruling, but the association of cabin crew members, for one, was reluctant
to support the appeal because it fears that such medical tests make it
easier for airlines to impose weight restrictions on flight attendants.
— The Daily Telegraph
(Sydney), 9-27-02
Seven
Signs Your Flight Crew is Australian
7. Flight attendant recites
safety speech into oxygen mask.
6. Answer to your request
for a pillow is “Right away, Ms. Streisand.”
5. Pilot announces:
“If you’ll look to the right of the plane, we are currently passing over
a bunch of really blurry stuff.”
4. Keep throwing shrimp,
missing barbie.
3. Pilot in the restroom,
steering the faucet.
2. They confiscate
your peanuts, chastize you for bringing ‘dangerous weapon’ onboard.
And the No. 1 Sign Your
Flight Crew is Australian:
1. Terrorist brandishes
dagger, flight attendant responds with “That’s not a knife.”
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